Good evening, Cyber City... global gymnasium of my mind. This is my alternate launch blog. That's right, Biotch! I can flip-flop if I want and have a do over like a Jeff Gillooly/Shawn Eckhardt co-conspirator with an un-tied ice-skate in an Olympic Event.
Submitted for your malicious, gloating joy: Come with me now on a stroll down Schadenfreude Lane to the Hamar Olympic Amphitheatre during the 1994 Winter Olympics, where former American figure skating champion and the first American woman to complete a triple axel jump in competition, Tonya Maxene Harding (born November 12, 1970) almost failed to appear on the ice when her name was called for the free skating because she was scrambling to replace a broken shoelace. The replacement shoelace turned out to be too short, and after missing the opening jump in her program she had to ask the referee for permission to find a new lace. Golly, former Mrs. Gillooly that just SUCKS. The fact is, Jeff Gillooly is the former Mr. Gillooly too as he changed his name in recent years to Jeff Stone.
Ms. Harding's most infamous and notorious act was the aforementioned conspiracy along with now ex-husband Jeff Gillooly to attack competitor Nancy Kerrigan at a practice session during the 1994 U.S. Figure Skating Championships. Oh, that bitch deserved it, but leave the lack of decorum to me as we in America like our Ice Princesses' to be a bit more refined. Here are a few more highlights of this Not-So-Tasty-Ice-T-for-Trashy-Do-over-Precedent setting-Princess:
*In the short program at the 1993 U.S. Championships, Harding had to ask permission from the referee to restart her program after the back of her dress came unhooked as she began to skate. You slutty, sexy bitch! ANYTHING... for a higher score.
*Skating magazine reported that at Skate America in 1991, Harding was stranded in heavy traffic just before her event was scheduled to begin, and had to hitch a ride with people who drove her backwards through traffic to the arena. Hey! Fuck every body's safety. I've got some skatin to do... yee haw!
*In late 1993, Harding was scheduled to compete in a regional qualifying competition for the U.S. Championships. However, before the event, its organizers received an anonymous assassination threat against Harding, which led the United States Figure Skating Association (USFSA) to tell her to stay away, excluding her from having to qualify.God, I love her style.
*The medal ceremony at the 1994 U.S. Championships had to be delayed because Harding could not be found backstage after the competition. Likely hitting the pipe out behind the rectory basement with some guy named Vinnie whom she'll only blow ONE TIME... JUST ONCE... because we all have a definition for 'is' ...LOL!
So undoubtedly, I too deserve this type of consideration often afforded galactic talent that I surely am. This being the first of what few hope to be many, many (relatively speaking) hope to be few and the blissfully unaware mega-masses are completely and undeniably empathetic toward.
The mission of this blog is of no consequence; zero; nada. I harbor no illusions of readership, circulation or thought provocation. I ask of you, the poor, unfortunate bastards that may have accidentally stumbled into (or onto as it were), been bamboozled by some fucked up re-directional software, haphazardly taken poor advice from someone you've friended, been friended by or otherwise know as a friend in this CRAZY matrix to view this page, only one thing: That if and when you find a spelling error and/or grammatical intrusion upon reasonable intelligence, judge me as you might a 3rd-grader who takes the short bus to school. Good luck and may God be with us all. Maybe I'll change My name to Jeff Stone.
